Hope

Just a few thoughts regarding what freedom is.  Freedom is being able to think for yourself.  To make decisions according to what you believe.  Freedom is being able to do what you want to do, without anyone telling you what is best for your life.  Freedom is knowing that you are in charge of your life, that nobody else has a say in how you conduct your life.  Freedom is knowing that hope lies in being free, maintaining the rights of yourself as well as the rights of others from being corrupted by rulers, authorities, governments, lobbyists, or other people.

I feel that freedom, in this sense, is being tested due to the current president.  That is not to say that it is because of President Obama.  Rather it is to say that people have forgotten what it means to be free and have placed their hopes, dreams, confidence, desires, needs, and their all on a man.  This is neither effective nor fair to President Obama.  Freedom is not a man.  It is an idea.  To place hope in a man will surely end in failure of the man, or failure of freedom.  Freedom must remain an idea.  Something we all strive for together.

We cannot say that Obama is our hope, when truly our hope is in the constitution and the rights and responsibilities it places before us.  It is wrong to state that the president, the person or the office, has any influence over our inalienable rights.  At least I hope that we have not come so far that the Bill of Rights is now not subject to basic human rights, but rather the whim of congress, the president, or the supreme court.  Let’s have a quick civics lesson.

We the people, of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.

Wow.  Some awesome stuff there that seems to have gone by the wayside.  First off, and I stress, “We the people”.  That means us.  Not congress, not the president, but every one of us that call ourselves American citizens.  We decided to form a more perfect union (just closer to perfection, not perfect).  The supreme court, which represents justice, yeah, we established that.  It’s ours.  Everyone has a constitutional right to domestic tranquility, that is peace in our home towns, not disturbed by the government.  Stop looking to the CIA, FBI, Army, Navy, Air force, and Marines to make decisions for you, cause it’s our call.  Not a general’s.  But it doesn’t stop there.  We’re also responsible for promoting the general welfare.  That means that we must take care of each other.  We aren’t to let the government do it for us, but rather we are to do it ourselves.  Cause we’re Americans.  It’s what we do.  Help each other to become stronger.  Secure the blessings of liberty.  Make sure that liberty is around so that everyone in America can benefit from it.  And not just this generation, but make sure that it’s around for the next and the next.  We the people, do ordain and establish.  We wrote the constitution.  It’s very clear.  We don’t need a judge telling us what it means, or congress making rules to keep us in line with it, or a president to decide which direction we should take it.  Those positions are just a generalized face on a big nation.  They are at the service of the people (not to be confused with being at the whim of the people).  They have the authority they have not to guide us, for we exist to guide them, but rather to provide balance between each branch of that generalization of America.

All this to say, if you are hoping in a president, a member of congress, or a supreme court justice to make things better, you’ve missed the point of being an American.  If you want others to make decisions for you there are plenty of other forms of government we can live under.  But democracy, for all its imperfections, is the only form of government which lives under the people.  It is a delicate position.  One that requires constant vigilance.  Our fore fathers tried to make that clear in the preamble of the constitution.  It seems, though, we have either changed our minds, or forgotten.  I suppose if we have changed our minds that is all right, that is what democracy is about.  Just make sure that you have changed your mind and that someone else hasn’t changed it for you.

Freedom is free.  There will always be those who desire to take it from you, under all kinds of pretenses, which is why it must be upheld, guarded, and most of all exercised.

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!

I find myself longing deeply for a simpler life.  One uncomplicated by television, bureaucracy, electronics.  We are a social race, we need to laugh, play, dace, and sing with friends and family.  Some how we are defying nature and becoming more and more secluded.  I find a lot of damage in our society due to this odd condition.  We will all sit in a movie and wish we had a group of friends to hang out with daily just like those actors do on the screen, we will watch Christmas specials on tv and lament the fact that Christmas is too commercial and has lost that special spark like what is exhibited on the television, but we will not focus on bringing Christmas to others.  Once upon a time, not so very long ago, people danced, laughed and listened to music in such a way that was respectful and fun to each other.  This may have come in the form of square dancing, swing dancing, jitter bugging, or even the mashed potato.  I think we have lost a definate grasp on life.  The objects we cling to so desperate have spun us out of control.  Naturally we do the only thing we know to do, we look right back at those objects, but instead of comfort we find confusion and keep running and spinning.  

I would like to challenge everyone to take a day and do something just for fun, something you don’t normally do, and see how much fun it is.  The other day I was walking home and saw the painted bars on the crosswalk.  Remembering the movie Elf I chuckled to myself and thought, “That crazy elf, jumping from one bar to the other.  It looked like fun, I wish I could do that.”  Then I thought, why the heck don’t I?  And that’s exactly what I did, and I had so much fun, I did it at two other cross walks on the way home.  This did not involve anything much except that I had to take the time to walk home, and then realize that I really had nothing to hurry home to, and then realize that it wouldn’t take any time away anyway and would be a blast!

Funny how we rationalize things.  I’m too grown up, too dignified, too important, too unimportant.  Really what we are is scared and lonely.  We are social creatures.  We feel safe in numbers, we have fun with others, we find joy in the joy of those around us.  A video game is so much more fun with a partner than it is alone.  Even more fun than playing tennis on Wii, take a chance and go to a court with a friend and try to learn to play, even if you hate it, it will be a blast.  Why stay in?  Because you don’t have to get dressed up?  Because you can be a little lazier?  Because you can save money?  Is it really worth it though?  Not at all.  So invite some people over and dance!  Put on a tie or a skirt (whatever is appropriate...or makes you comfortable) and discover the world and how joyful it is once you separate yourself from what you own, and join yourself to what nature has blessed us with.  A communal spirit, a joyful heart, a mind that can discover new ways to have fun, and hands and feet to accomplish it all.

If any of you want to get together and dance, sing, play a terrible game of tennis, or just have a cup of coffee and laugh at how silly our lives are, please give me a call.  I’m tired to spending my time with my television and my lap top.

The Journal

Two summers ago I started a journal.  I don't write in there often, but I do make a point to write in there at least twice a semester (beginning and end).  It's always amazing to me to read what I was thinking, what I was like, and what I was dreaming of a year ago.  Lately I've been really down.  Down on myself, down on my situation, down on myself for putting me in my situation.  The short end of it all was that I was upset about Ph.D. programs, I was feeling stupid compared to other graduate students, and angry with myself for feeling that way.  A couple of nights ago I decided that since the semester was over I needed to write in my journal, it was also a good opportunity to get some of those feelings of angst down on paper.  Before I started writing, I started reading.  Here are just a few clips from what I was like a year ago . . . almost exactly.

7 December 2007

I'm almost done with my first semester of grad school.  That blows my mind.  Today is Friday and next week are finals.  A lot of thoughts go through my mind when I think about the closing of a year, but mostly I stress about grades.  I had really hoped to make straight A's but that's not happening at all.  I am confident that I'll be getting one A and two B's, which is good but I'm scared it's not good enough.  Without being one of the very best I'll never get into a Ph.D. program.  That's a terrifying thought for me.  I feel like I've come too far already not to be able to achieve my end goal.  I will have to give it over to God, plain and simple.  

I got all A's that semester.  It's interesting to explore how my fears have changed.  Then I was just worried about grades to get into a Ph.D. program, but now there's so much more it feels like.  Or is there?  Perhaps my own advice is the best.  I'll just have to give it over to God, plain and simple.

13 December 2007

Today I had my last class of my first semester of grad school.  It has been a particularly good day.  I went to bed at about 2 a.m. and got up at 6 a.m. so I could type my book review.  The class period was enjoyable.  We discussed our successes and our growth and it was fun and encouraging.  It made me think of the Thoreau quote, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined."  That's me right now.  I'm living the life I have imagined.

Cary came over tonight and brought his game cube.  We talked comics and played smash brothers and drank coffee.  At the end of the night we had an encouraging conversation about God.  It was a splendid evening.

Tomorrow Candace and Emily graduate.  It seems very uncanny.  I'm looking forward to it in a strange way.  Should be interesting and fun.  

One semester of grad school down, three to go!

I wonder when I forgot that I was living the life I had imagined?  I can't tell you how much I wish I could remember the specifics of that conversation about God I had with Cary a year ago, though I do very much remember the evening and how splendid it really was.

Grad school has been a funny thing.  I get in a hurry with school.  I'm critical of myself about silly things and then get so worked up about them I feel as though others are critical about me in the same areas.  For example, one of my professors told me that taking some time off from school last time served me well.  From this I got in my head that they did not think I was good enough to get into a Ph.D. program and that taking time off was something only those who couldn't make it did.  Wow.

I'm glad I write in my journal, even if it is only once in a while.  It's so good to be reminded of a time when I was just as confused, but much more easy going and simple about it.  Rock on!

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

Aw snap man! It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It certainly hasn't been becuase I don't have anything to say, I just haven't had the time, or rather taken the time, to post anything. There's been a lot going on. I've been assitant directing the show Beyond Therapy here, working on classes, visiting Ph.D. programs and just all around trying to keep up. And sometimes failing.

I find I am so easily distracted these days. Just about anything will catch my attention. Especially when it distracts my attention from things I SHOULD be doing. Usually it is a consious choice to avoid doing stuff like that, but now I feel like I suddenly become aware of it when it is too late. Don't get me wrong, there is certainly an element of deciding I'm not going to do it, but it also seems like I have less time these days. Although I think I may have just convinceed myself I have less time.

Have you ever done that? Convinced yourself that you have less time than you actually do? So you run home really fast, cutting short all the work you could be and should be doing, just to get home and sit around thinking, "I'm so busy! What am I supposed to be doing?!" Only to realize, too late, that what you needed to do was back where you just left and now it really is to late to go back and get things done. I have been doing that a lot. I just need to calm down, do my work, and manage my time more realistically. I will get a lot more done and feel a lot better about myself.

Sometimes I worry. I worry that I'm not really good enough at being a grad student to be here, or anywhere for that matter. I don't work hard enough, I don't know enough about theatre, I'm not a good enough writer/speaker/presenter to actually make it anywhere. I really feel like that this semester. I don't feel like a graduate student at all. I attribute some of it to not having any real "graduate" classes this semester. I don't have the demands that I have had in the past. I think, as much as those demands stress me out, I need them to validate my ability. That's sad, I know, but still, there it is. I need a paper to write and a subject to research. Honestly, if it were that big of a deal I could simply write to write, and submit it for publication. But then I run into the whole problem of procrastination that I was just talking about in the last paragraph. What a tangled web we weave.

I'm very anxious to be an achedemic. Yet, it is very obvious to me that I am not one naturally. I don't know the plays, playwrights, dates, and actors that I'm supposed to know. Stuff I've learned, I've already forgtten. I think the comprehensive exams, as stressed as I am about them, will help with that though. Establish the information permanently in my long term memory.

Wow, this turned out to be a long sob session for me. Sorry. In other news, my youth group continues to grow. I had 15 students last week. It was pretty spectacular. God has been conviting me on some pretty important stuff, which is also spectacular. I am subbing more and more, which is very spectacular (money!). So many good things happening. I can't wait to see how things continue to develop. I am so ready for Thanksgiving break. I feel like it has been forever since I've seen my family, even though it hasn't been that very long. Still, it will be nice to go home for a while. Go deer hunting. Maybe cut some wood. Who knows! Wonderful, simple, pleasent. I know it's sad, but sometimes I miss doing that stuff. Especially with other people!

I still miss my friends like crazy. I definately feel very alone sometimes. Not that I don't have friends here, it is just hard to make good Christian friends that have similar interests to me and that want to hang out from time to time.

I visited the University of Maryland. It was pretty awesome. A very nice school with a lot of recources. Not a lot of directing opportunities. A.D. opportunities and dramaturgy opportunities. Not a lot of directing. Pretty nice people for the most part. Nice space. Seems to be a nice program. I did not get to talk to any proffessors while I was there though. None of them seemed to think I was important enough to make a special trip into the school for an hour to talk with. Oh well.

C.U. Boulder was also a nice school. Not a lot of money available, therefore not a lot of directing opportunities. But they were willing to provide them, they just don't have the money. Very nice people. Ok space (an old library building that has been converted). It seems to be a nice program. I did not get to sit in on a class here, but I did get to speak with the Prof. of Graduate Studies, which was super nice. I felt like we had a good discussion and covered many bases. Also, he didn't have class that day either, but was able to make time for me.

Both places would be expensive to live in. I would proabably get full funding from Maryland, if I got accepted, but only partial funding from C.U. Boulder. Money is always an issue, isn't it? So, I will apply to both, as well as Indiana University, and see what happens. I may not get accepted to any school. If that's the case I will teach high school, community college, or maybe even go to England and see if I can't worm my way into the theatre scene there and get some experience. Life is so up in the air right now. Very exciting stuff, I gotta tell ya.

Anyway, that was a lot to type. And a lot more to read I'm sure. I'll update again soon. Rock on!

Hurk!

Here I am. And yet I am constantly questioning where I am supposed to be. I find myself so concered about where my future is going that I forget to live in the present and therefore destroy my plans to prepare for the futrue! I am really stressed out about all of this. And yet, at the same time, this is the easiest semester I've ever had in grad school. Which also weirds me out. I don't spend countless hours in the computer lab pouring over online journals looking for the perfect quote to slip into a paper. Instead I sit and wait to hear from gradschools, contacts, and my bank on if I have enough money. It is very annoying. When I do need the time to do something, it seems like there's always work to get in the way of it. I need the money from work, but I also need the time that work is trying to make me work so that I can work! Ack!

It occured to me the other day that I am essentially working three jobs right now. My youth group, Family Video (though I think I might quit soon and substitute teach instead), and school. It was quite the revelation for me. I always feel like I am so lazy compared to other people and that I just don't do enough, work hard enough, or work long enough. So it was kind of surprising to me to consider that I was kind of working three jobs.

The stuff happening on wall street makes me jittery. There are so many similarities between the present situation and the crash of 1929. Except for the fact that in '29 the government was not buying up the failing banks. I'm not so sure that's a good idea anyway. Actually I'm pretty sure it is a terrible idea. I know it has saved things, but for how long? I don't think it will last, it didn't do anything about the root of the problem. And to tell you the truth, as much as I don't want to have to use the Sears and Roebuck catalogue as bath tissue, there is a part of me that desires a cleansing. Something to wipe the slate clean. I feel like our current society has lost so much of itself. We need something to remind us of who we are, where we come from, and what's important. Once again, I'm not championing a complete crash and starvation, and stuff like that. I don't know. I'm a little fed up with stuff. I miss getting to just sit and drink a cup of coffee and talk, a card game, a walk, raking leaves and jumping in them, picking blackberries, pulling weeds in the garden, and stuff like that.

I'm still doing my dishes every night, and making my bed every morning. It means a lot to me. I don't know why.

Saturday night me and some of the other gradstudents hung out and roasted marshmallows at my house. It was a lot of fun. I love doing stuff like that. I love just sitting around a fire and talking. Just talking, not bashing people, or complaining. Just talking about stuff. Where we're at, and how we're doing. Simple stuff to make a complicated life seem more bearable. Good times. I wish I could do it more often.

I'm a bit discontent. I don't know why. I think it might be because I'm bored too much and way too lonely. Too much time to think. About myself. About my life. Too much thinking and not enough doing. Oh well. It'll work out in the end I'm sure.

My youth group is doing well. I think we are growing and are even starting to make some waves and attract attention. For the first time in a couple years FBC Centerview is making itself known, other than in a bad light. It's kind of exciting. I wish I could claim responsibility but really it is the youth. They are brilliant. I love working with them. They are so dedicated. They just needed a cause to dedicate themselves to. Luckily, God provided that.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Someday I'll do a real post with more than just me whinning. Rock on my friends!

The Fall Montage

So, I am feeling very apprehensive.  I am trying to get around to visiting schools about their Ph.D. programs, write a library paper, study for the GRE, act as T.D. for the Black Box, take classes, work with my youth group, and at least a half dozen other things that I can't remember.  Which is just the problem.  I can't seem to keep everything straight.  I write one thing down to remember it, but then forget four things in its place.  Then new things pop up.  I try to manage my time, but then it just gets away from me.  I've lost a very grounding and encouraging force in my life which makes it hard.  I don't have anyone to bounce ideas and emotions off of anymore.  The undergraduates just don't quite get it (not that I'm saying their stupid, but my problems are very different from their problems) and the other graduate students and I are too different.  I have fun hanging out with both of them, but I need something more than that.  Perhaps that is selfish though.  I suppose I'm just gonna have to man up and do what I've gotta do.

There was a time not long ago that I felt like an adult.  Now I just feel like a kid again.  It is very frustrating to me.  One step forward, two steps back.  Two things keep me going.  My faith and how that ties into my youth group, and the thought of a brighter future.  One with perhaps less recognition than I once dreamt of, but of a simpler and happier life.

I miss the days of my youth when life was just get up, go to work, come home, hang out with my friends and family, and go to bed.  I had time to chill, and chat.  Time to think of things other than of myself and how to propel myself ahead of others.  I taught high schoolers things they didn't know and shared my passion with them.  I have a long way to go before I can do that with college students.  I hope I can make it.

This post would have been better as a journal entry perhaps, but I was sitting in front of my computer, so here it is.  Boy are you guys lucky.  Anyway, Jon, out.

To be honest, I don't have much to say right now.  But I feel like I have much to share.  And that is something indeed.  I am so...I want to say content, but it is far, far beyond contentment.  I am burdened with an abundance of joy so pure that to fully express it would either end with me in an asylum or at the very least in jail over night.  So I choose to express it by listening to music that brings me much ease and to savor it, knowing that no one I pass on the street tonight on my way to the library is feeling what I feel.  I am confident in this because they do not have the friends and family I have.  Furthermore they do not posses the perspective on life that I am privy to.  

I look around and everything I see is a miracle.  An awesome opportunity to live and breath and see.  The crumbiest brick on the dirtiest building holds magic in my life; magic for what is was, for what it has seen, and what it is.  My life is filled with miracles and it overwhelms me.  How fortunate am I to see the sunrise, to experience the waft of fresh air through my house, to smell a pot of coffee brewing just for me in the kitchen, to get to walk through a town along a path oh so familiar now that was once entirely foreign, to sit in a classroom where learning is not fun but merely life and breath and sustenance.  I count myself fortunate because I would challenge you to say that in the last week you have felt as blessed as me, as showered with miracles.

I have also realized, thanks to Dandelion Wine, that my life is too full of nothingness.  Meaningless tasks, made meaningless by my meaningless outlook on life and the eradication of the meaningful tasks in favor of convenience and leisure.  To break the spell of this meaninglessness I decided to begin focusing on old tasks in a new way and to adopt new tasks.  In this vein I have begun doing laundry on every tuesday night, regardless of anything else.  This may not be new to anyone else, but it was certainly new to me.  Also, I began to do my dishes every night.  No matter what.  Once again, perhaps nothing new, but completely foreign to me (remember I don't have a dish washer).  Furthermore I have begun to do my ironing on Saturday afternoons come rain or shine.  All my ironing from the laundry I did the week before.  Finally, I have been making my bed every morning.

 

These small tasks that we have managed to shrink, dilute, and even dispose of, were at first annoyingly painful.  After about three weeks of managing them now though I find joy in doing them.  Not only joy, but fulfillment and meaning.  My closet looks neat from the ironing.  My clothes are put away and neatly stacked in my chested drawers.  My kitchen is clean every morning.  and every evening when I go to bed.  My bed room is no longer flooded with two weeks of dirty laundry.  I wear what I want when I want with out panic of, "oh no!  It's dirty!"  I crawl into a nice neat bed every night.

It may not seem like much, but it has really changed my life.  I look for new things to do everyday as well.  Just to fill up the empty space where I normally insert t.v.  I think I'll also start to sweep every night.  Just one more small thing that allows me to think without thinking of only myself.  It is very liberating.  I strongly encourage everyone to do it.  

Anyway.  I suppose I'm done.  Just some sensations I needed to pass on tonight.  Take it easy!