Hurk!

Here I am. And yet I am constantly questioning where I am supposed to be. I find myself so concered about where my future is going that I forget to live in the present and therefore destroy my plans to prepare for the futrue! I am really stressed out about all of this. And yet, at the same time, this is the easiest semester I've ever had in grad school. Which also weirds me out. I don't spend countless hours in the computer lab pouring over online journals looking for the perfect quote to slip into a paper. Instead I sit and wait to hear from gradschools, contacts, and my bank on if I have enough money. It is very annoying. When I do need the time to do something, it seems like there's always work to get in the way of it. I need the money from work, but I also need the time that work is trying to make me work so that I can work! Ack!

It occured to me the other day that I am essentially working three jobs right now. My youth group, Family Video (though I think I might quit soon and substitute teach instead), and school. It was quite the revelation for me. I always feel like I am so lazy compared to other people and that I just don't do enough, work hard enough, or work long enough. So it was kind of surprising to me to consider that I was kind of working three jobs.

The stuff happening on wall street makes me jittery. There are so many similarities between the present situation and the crash of 1929. Except for the fact that in '29 the government was not buying up the failing banks. I'm not so sure that's a good idea anyway. Actually I'm pretty sure it is a terrible idea. I know it has saved things, but for how long? I don't think it will last, it didn't do anything about the root of the problem. And to tell you the truth, as much as I don't want to have to use the Sears and Roebuck catalogue as bath tissue, there is a part of me that desires a cleansing. Something to wipe the slate clean. I feel like our current society has lost so much of itself. We need something to remind us of who we are, where we come from, and what's important. Once again, I'm not championing a complete crash and starvation, and stuff like that. I don't know. I'm a little fed up with stuff. I miss getting to just sit and drink a cup of coffee and talk, a card game, a walk, raking leaves and jumping in them, picking blackberries, pulling weeds in the garden, and stuff like that.

I'm still doing my dishes every night, and making my bed every morning. It means a lot to me. I don't know why.

Saturday night me and some of the other gradstudents hung out and roasted marshmallows at my house. It was a lot of fun. I love doing stuff like that. I love just sitting around a fire and talking. Just talking, not bashing people, or complaining. Just talking about stuff. Where we're at, and how we're doing. Simple stuff to make a complicated life seem more bearable. Good times. I wish I could do it more often.

I'm a bit discontent. I don't know why. I think it might be because I'm bored too much and way too lonely. Too much time to think. About myself. About my life. Too much thinking and not enough doing. Oh well. It'll work out in the end I'm sure.

My youth group is doing well. I think we are growing and are even starting to make some waves and attract attention. For the first time in a couple years FBC Centerview is making itself known, other than in a bad light. It's kind of exciting. I wish I could claim responsibility but really it is the youth. They are brilliant. I love working with them. They are so dedicated. They just needed a cause to dedicate themselves to. Luckily, God provided that.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Someday I'll do a real post with more than just me whinning. Rock on my friends!

The Fall Montage

So, I am feeling very apprehensive.  I am trying to get around to visiting schools about their Ph.D. programs, write a library paper, study for the GRE, act as T.D. for the Black Box, take classes, work with my youth group, and at least a half dozen other things that I can't remember.  Which is just the problem.  I can't seem to keep everything straight.  I write one thing down to remember it, but then forget four things in its place.  Then new things pop up.  I try to manage my time, but then it just gets away from me.  I've lost a very grounding and encouraging force in my life which makes it hard.  I don't have anyone to bounce ideas and emotions off of anymore.  The undergraduates just don't quite get it (not that I'm saying their stupid, but my problems are very different from their problems) and the other graduate students and I are too different.  I have fun hanging out with both of them, but I need something more than that.  Perhaps that is selfish though.  I suppose I'm just gonna have to man up and do what I've gotta do.

There was a time not long ago that I felt like an adult.  Now I just feel like a kid again.  It is very frustrating to me.  One step forward, two steps back.  Two things keep me going.  My faith and how that ties into my youth group, and the thought of a brighter future.  One with perhaps less recognition than I once dreamt of, but of a simpler and happier life.

I miss the days of my youth when life was just get up, go to work, come home, hang out with my friends and family, and go to bed.  I had time to chill, and chat.  Time to think of things other than of myself and how to propel myself ahead of others.  I taught high schoolers things they didn't know and shared my passion with them.  I have a long way to go before I can do that with college students.  I hope I can make it.

This post would have been better as a journal entry perhaps, but I was sitting in front of my computer, so here it is.  Boy are you guys lucky.  Anyway, Jon, out.