Aw snap man! It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It certainly hasn't been becuase I don't have anything to say, I just haven't had the time, or rather taken the time, to post anything. There's been a lot going on. I've been assitant directing the show Beyond Therapy here, working on classes, visiting Ph.D. programs and just all around trying to keep up. And sometimes failing.
I find I am so easily distracted these days. Just about anything will catch my attention. Especially when it distracts my attention from things I SHOULD be doing. Usually it is a consious choice to avoid doing stuff like that, but now I feel like I suddenly become aware of it when it is too late. Don't get me wrong, there is certainly an element of deciding I'm not going to do it, but it also seems like I have less time these days. Although I think I may have just convinceed myself I have less time.
Have you ever done that? Convinced yourself that you have less time than you actually do? So you run home really fast, cutting short all the work you could be and should be doing, just to get home and sit around thinking, "I'm so busy! What am I supposed to be doing?!" Only to realize, too late, that what you needed to do was back where you just left and now it really is to late to go back and get things done. I have been doing that a lot. I just need to calm down, do my work, and manage my time more realistically. I will get a lot more done and feel a lot better about myself.
Sometimes I worry. I worry that I'm not really good enough at being a grad student to be here, or anywhere for that matter. I don't work hard enough, I don't know enough about theatre, I'm not a good enough writer/speaker/presenter to actually make it anywhere. I really feel like that this semester. I don't feel like a graduate student at all. I attribute some of it to not having any real "graduate" classes this semester. I don't have the demands that I have had in the past. I think, as much as those demands stress me out, I need them to validate my ability. That's sad, I know, but still, there it is. I need a paper to write and a subject to research. Honestly, if it were that big of a deal I could simply write to write, and submit it for publication. But then I run into the whole problem of procrastination that I was just talking about in the last paragraph. What a tangled web we weave.
I'm very anxious to be an achedemic. Yet, it is very obvious to me that I am not one naturally. I don't know the plays, playwrights, dates, and actors that I'm supposed to know. Stuff I've learned, I've already forgtten. I think the comprehensive exams, as stressed as I am about them, will help with that though. Establish the information permanently in my long term memory.
Wow, this turned out to be a long sob session for me. Sorry. In other news, my youth group continues to grow. I had 15 students last week. It was pretty spectacular. God has been conviting me on some pretty important stuff, which is also spectacular. I am subbing more and more, which is very spectacular (money!). So many good things happening. I can't wait to see how things continue to develop. I am so ready for Thanksgiving break. I feel like it has been forever since I've seen my family, even though it hasn't been that very long. Still, it will be nice to go home for a while. Go deer hunting. Maybe cut some wood. Who knows! Wonderful, simple, pleasent. I know it's sad, but sometimes I miss doing that stuff. Especially with other people!
I still miss my friends like crazy. I definately feel very alone sometimes. Not that I don't have friends here, it is just hard to make good Christian friends that have similar interests to me and that want to hang out from time to time.
I visited the University of Maryland. It was pretty awesome. A very nice school with a lot of recources. Not a lot of directing opportunities. A.D. opportunities and dramaturgy opportunities. Not a lot of directing. Pretty nice people for the most part. Nice space. Seems to be a nice program. I did not get to talk to any proffessors while I was there though. None of them seemed to think I was important enough to make a special trip into the school for an hour to talk with. Oh well.
C.U. Boulder was also a nice school. Not a lot of money available, therefore not a lot of directing opportunities. But they were willing to provide them, they just don't have the money. Very nice people. Ok space (an old library building that has been converted). It seems to be a nice program. I did not get to sit in on a class here, but I did get to speak with the Prof. of Graduate Studies, which was super nice. I felt like we had a good discussion and covered many bases. Also, he didn't have class that day either, but was able to make time for me.
Both places would be expensive to live in. I would proabably get full funding from Maryland, if I got accepted, but only partial funding from C.U. Boulder. Money is always an issue, isn't it? So, I will apply to both, as well as Indiana University, and see what happens. I may not get accepted to any school. If that's the case I will teach high school, community college, or maybe even go to England and see if I can't worm my way into the theatre scene there and get some experience. Life is so up in the air right now. Very exciting stuff, I gotta tell ya.
Anyway, that was a lot to type. And a lot more to read I'm sure. I'll update again soon. Rock on!
Richard
3 years ago
