Hey, you know what? What About Tomorrow?

It is a beautiful evening.  An evening where I had the pleasure of sitting outside, watching the sun set, listening to a group of kids play just the next street over.  It occurred to me in that moment that in my last several posts I've been so concerned with today that I've forgotten to think about tomorrow.  So, what about tomorrow?

That's a big question.  It should be a big question.  It's good that it's big.  If it wasn't big, then I would have no hope.  Today is finite.  I watch the sun set and think, "Well, that's it.  That's the end of today." But tomorrow.  Wow, there's a world of possibilities.  I can't even begin to imagine.  I start to think about what I need to do, what I should do, what I want to do, and what I'll probably end up doing.  The enormous mix of it all is astounding.  No mathematician could calculate it.  That's one thing a computer will never be able to do.  Guess about tomorrow.  Tomorrow I could meet the girl of my dreams and elope.  Tomorrow my Mom could die.  Tomorrow I might go for a run.  Tomorrow perhaps I'll just lay around and watch movies.

Let me tell you about tomorrow.  Tomorrow is dreadful.  I hope it never comes.  It's scary.  I'm terrified of it.

Now, let me tell you about tomorrow.  Tomorrow is passionate.  I'm like a kid at Christmas with tomorrow; I simply can't wait.  It's exciting.  I'm in love with it.

So, here's what I plan to do tomorrow:  Tomorrow I will get my Ph.D.  Tomorrow I will go for a walk. Tomorrow I'm going to learn to play guitar, for real.  Tomorrow I'll finish the work I've been doing on the handbook.  Tomorrow I'm going to write the next great play.  Tomorrow I'm going to ride my motorcycle.  Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in.  Tomorrow I'm going to get up early.  Tomorrow I'm going to refinish that vanity.  Tomorrow I'm going to write that letter to my Mom.  Tomorrow I'm going to go buy that book I've been wanting, but the library doesn't have.  Tomorrow I'm going to go see what books the library does have.  Tomorrow I'm going to Yellowstone National Park.  Tomorrow I'm going to the Czech Republic.  Tomorrow I'm going to perfect my German.  Tomorrow I'm going to buy a new suit.  Tomorrow I'm going to live more simply.  Tomorrow I'm going to spend some time on the computer.  Tomorrow I'm going to buy a sail boat.  Tomorrow I'm going to learn how to sail.  Tomorrow I'm going to visit all of my friends.  Tomorrow I'm going to cut my grass.  Tomorrow I'm going to retire.  Tomorrow I'm going to take my parents on a really spectacular vacation.  Tomorrow I'm not going to do anything but read.  Tomorrow I'm going to listen to music.  Tomorrow I'm going to spend in silence.

I could go on, I suppose, but I'll stop there.  I don't want to over commit myself.  Today is over, but I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.  If it comes, I think I'll try to hide from it.  Who knows what will happen tomorrow?  I guess maybe that's why we hang on to today.  We know what's going to happen today.  Tomorrow, though ... man oh man.

Well, just some thoughts that run through my mind.  I promise I won't end this with a stupid statement like, "I better sign off.  Tomorrow's a big day!"

Things That We Believe In

As usual, I feel as though I am on the parapet of a major event of my life. The last several years have felt like this. To borrow an image from the current play I'm working on, I feel as though I am standing in a trench getting ready to go over the top with a very good chance of getting shot. Even if I do survive the emotional scars of seeing those around me fall will be with me forever. A bit melodramatic perhaps, still...

I have the opportunity to change jobs, again. I feel as though I'm choosing between my happiness and the happiness of others. If I am selfish I could be happy, if I am selfless I will be unhappy. If I stay I have better benefits and more prestige, if I leave I've got a completely different future (whose to say if it will be better?). If I stay I continue forcing myself though the day, but I don't hurt anyone. If I leave I will be in a different situation (colder perhaps?), but I hurt a great many people. That's not to mention I would be humbling myself a lot. But that may be a good thing. It's just not something I'm really wanting to do.

I know this has been a very unclear post. The reason is because I am very unclear. I have felt despondent before, I have felt desperate, I have felt helpless. However, I don't believe I have felt this much weight. In my head I know that I am not special, that everything will work out regardless of my decision, but in my heart I ache. Once I can get myself to commit to a decision, I think I will feel better. But that is a difficult thing to do.

Just one more layer on here. I feel as though, since I would be hurting people, I would need a good and understandable reason to leave. However, I don't necessarily have one. So what do I tell people? "I'm leaving because...", which they will in turn translate to, "I'm leaving because of you." Which is not true. Is this a test to see how selfish I am? Do I blow with the wind? Or am I more grounded? Which one is better?

Anyway, this is a terrible post, but I do feel better for having written it down. Any and all thoughts on my situation are welcome.