As usual, I feel as though I am on the parapet of a major event of my life. The last several years have felt like this. To borrow an image from the current play I'm working on, I feel as though I am standing in a trench getting ready to go over the top with a very good chance of getting shot. Even if I do survive the emotional scars of seeing those around me fall will be with me forever. A bit melodramatic perhaps, still...
I have the opportunity to change jobs, again. I feel as though I'm choosing between my happiness and the happiness of others. If I am selfish I could be happy, if I am selfless I will be unhappy. If I stay I have better benefits and more prestige, if I leave I've got a completely different future (whose to say if it will be better?). If I stay I continue forcing myself though the day, but I don't hurt anyone. If I leave I will be in a different situation (colder perhaps?), but I hurt a great many people. That's not to mention I would be humbling myself a lot. But that may be a good thing. It's just not something I'm really wanting to do.
I know this has been a very unclear post. The reason is because I am very unclear. I have felt despondent before, I have felt desperate, I have felt helpless. However, I don't believe I have felt this much weight. In my head I know that I am not special, that everything will work out regardless of my decision, but in my heart I ache. Once I can get myself to commit to a decision, I think I will feel better. But that is a difficult thing to do.
Just one more layer on here. I feel as though, since I would be hurting people, I would need a good and understandable reason to leave. However, I don't necessarily have one. So what do I tell people? "I'm leaving because...", which they will in turn translate to, "I'm leaving because of you." Which is not true. Is this a test to see how selfish I am? Do I blow with the wind? Or am I more grounded? Which one is better?
Anyway, this is a terrible post, but I do feel better for having written it down. Any and all thoughts on my situation are welcome.
Richard
3 years ago
1 comment:
I certainly relate to where you are at, including the difficulty of feeling like your decision is going to wreak havoc on other people. I think that you and I have both had to walk through this kind of decision, and it pretty much stinks. But if you do leave, it doesn't have to mean that it is going to cause irreparable harm. I know it feels that way, but it doesn't have to be the case.
I'll be praying for you - I know these decisions are painfully unpleasant. Miss you, friend.
-from the writer of Grad School Heartache. ;o)
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