More Time on the Train

There are things in this world that cause me to shift my focus.  I think that part of what makes me me is the fact that I usually make the choice for that shift to be for the positive.  Over the years I have found myself in some disappointing, difficult, and not altogether proud moments.  In a couple of weeks I will be moving in with my Grandmother.  Why?  Two fold.  Partially because I would like to spend some time with my Grandma while I can, but also because I have no where else to go.  No job (though a handful of prospects), no home, nothing else to shoot for other than getting a job.  I’m at a stage in life where I can’t move anywhere else until I have a job.  I would really like the opportunity to teach, to do theatre, to grow myself and my resume in that direction.  I’m not sure that I will be given that opportunity, but perhaps.  It will take time to tell but it could certainly still happen.  There is a large part of me that is anxious about what my future holds, but there is another part of me that is excited, terribly excited, to see where things will go.  I’m desperate for the opportunity to teach, to show my ability and my prowess in a real situation.  A situation where people can’t say, “Oh, but you’re just a substitute, that’s different” or, “You were just a student and that makes a difference”.  The biggest frustration for me is the knowledge that if I were given the chance, oh what a difference I could make.  For some reason though, I am having an awful time getting people to give me the chance.  Other people fall into situations, and I have fallen into my fair share, but it seems sometimes that I can work and work for a chance but am never given the opportunity for whatever reason.  In the past I’ve had some very erroneous ideas about how jobs work and what jobs I was qualified for.  I have a much better understanding of the market I’m in now (though not a total understanding I must admit) and feel very confident, no not confident, very energized about what I can do and about what I will learn to do.  My whole life has been on lesson after another, perhaps the greatest of which was to recognize a lesson from life when it presents itself and to pay attention.  In a very unsure stage in my life I find the definites and hold on to them.  God is a definite, my love for theatre, and my passion for teaching are also definites.  I am so thankful for these assurances.  I do sometimes doubt my chances of getting a job in what I want, my ability to get into a doctoral program not to mention whether I will be able to handle the work or not.  Long hours of studying and reading and writing.  No matter what though, I know where I need to end up and that is in the classroom teaching theatre.  I know it may not happen now or next year, but someday, whether its in high school or college, I know that’s where I need to be.  That’s where I was made to be.