Machinal

Recently, in the theatre department I work in, we have had to throw away all but a precious few of our props.  In doing so I was forced to make some very difficult decision about what to keep and what to throw away.  Of the literal handful of things that were kept there was an old, mechanical typewriter.  I find myself entranced with these miracles of yesterday's modern technology.  Before electricity and computers, before microchips or even transistors, wasn't it amazing what we were able to accomplish?  In my mind it was almost more amazing than what we are able to do with computers.

I take this typewriter as an example.  I can do everything on it that I could do on a modern word processor (except delete, of course).  The machine itself is heavy, unwieldy and ridiculously complicated.  I took it upon myself to try and clean this old machine and oil it to see if I could get it into a better working condition.  As I removed the pieces that made up the sides and back I quickly realized that there would be no way that I could dismantle this device with any hope of reassembling it.  This archaic device was so beyond me I was almost ashamed.  I, who routinely repair lighting instruments, electrical equipment, work out computer programs and settings, develop new ideas for projections, etc., could not even begin to consider the mind that came up with a "useless" contraption like that typewriter.  Marvelous.

Another example is an old phonograph we have in stock.  Not the electric record players that we are semi familiar with, but rather a mechanical wonder.  As I explained to my fascinated students how this "victrola" worked I began to realize just how amazing it was.  Many of them had never even seen a record player, much less one of these.  This became apparent when one of them asked where the power cord was.  

"There is no power chord.  It's not electric."

"How does it work, then?"

Remarkably simply, yet inconceivably complex.  A spring is wound tight to set the turn table in motion.  A needle (literally a piece of pointed steel) is placed on a "wax" record with grooves cast into it.  As the needle bumps along these grooves it transfers these percussions to a diaphragm it is attached to.  This diaphragm changes the bumps of the needle into changes in air pressure.  These changes in air pressure are then sent through gradually larger tubes until they reach a horn of some sort and are expelled.  Naturally we perceive these changes in air pressure as sound.  Beautiful music.  Wanna make it even more simple, you can actually get music out of the records by wrapping a paper funnel around one of the steel needles and placing this homemade speaker onto the record.  This is absolutely amazing!  What do we have today to compare with it?

I am not arguing against technology, after all it has done some wonderful things that mechanics simply would not be able to accomplish.  However, perhaps we have too quickly moved on from the miracle of mechanics.  Look at what we accomplished in the past with the know how of physics.  What could we accomplish today?  Just some thoughts I have.  Is it possible that we moved on too quickly from these machines?  Did we, maybe, not give them the one hundred or two hundred years to mature that so many other ages had.  Did we allow the computer age to come on too quickly and dilute the advances of the mechanical age?  I have no idea, and we will never know.  As for me, though, I think I will continue to recognize the wonderful advances of the past while trying to keep up with the present.  It gets harder and harder, however.  Today moves so quickly into tomorrow.  As one of my students made clear to me, I know how to operate a mechanical typewriter, but I have no clue how to make a bluetooth device serve me.  This may be problematic.  

Running into nothing

If you have been following my facebook at all, you know that I've been in kind of a brooding mood lately.  I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately and have been very discontent with myself.  I wondered about this to my mother and her conclusion was that God was preparing me for something.  This struck me because I hadn't considered it before.  It also struck me later when I considered what else God had taught me in the last few years of my life.

He has taught me to do without food, money, comfort and convenience by depriving me of it.

He has taught me to enjoy simplicity by steeping me in it.

He has taught me the value of friendship by starving me for it.

Now he is teaching me the value of honor, valor and service.

I haven't had to use any of these lessons except as I was learning them.  God doesn't teach us things in vain.  I don't think I was a bad person before learning these lessons so it's not like God needed me to change because I was a horrible human being.  I think God is preparing me for something.  Maybe something where I have to do without, be comfortable with simple living, rely on friends, and be honorable and courageous in my service?  I don't know.  Sounds like a tall order.  Especially since he is actually (I feel) calling me away from mission trips and other organized service.

All of those lessons and I am having the most difficult time dealing with this one.  I feel as though I'm on the brink of something.  When I consider this lesson, especially along with all the others, I feel overwhelmed.  Not with fear or anxiety, but with something else.  Frustration maybe.  So I find myself asking some very cheesy questions of myself in pure desperation.  Who am I?  Who is Jonathan Wehmeyer?  What is my purpose?

Prior to this lesson I have been very comfortable with who God has been forming me to be.  It hasn't been easy, but I've always liked that person, now all of a sudden I dislike myself.  Not in a self hating sort of way, I just dislike who I am.  I like who I have the potential to be, but I don't see a path of how to get from who I am to who I could be.

It is difficult because it constantly weighs on my mind.  I am never free of it.  It's not a thought that comes and goes and it isn't ever in the back of my mind.  It's always front and center.  I can't think of anything else.  When I'm asleep, watching a movie, checking my email, giving a lecture, talking on the phone.  It doesn't matter. Ack.

I have been running from time to time.  I feel a little better on the inside when I do.  Almost as if running, training my body, is the first step in that journey.  Generally, in terms of what I'll do, running is what I think about.  I don't always run.  I miss it when I am too lazy to do it.  It's the one thing I've been looking forward to today.

Well, anyway.  There's my frustration.  No, I don't feel better now that I've gotten it off my chest.  It still presses on me.  Making it hard to breath.  I thought, perhaps, it was worth sharing with everyone else though.  How do you deal with a change that you are being pressed toward and desire greatly but cannot achieve?

Home

I just moved to a new apartment.  This has left me scrambling to get things together, find a place for everything, get into a new grove, find my rhythm back.  It's kind of funny that I use the word rhythm since I find it is often musical rhythm that helps me find my rhythm in life. 

Just last night I realized that I was rushing so much that I was missing out on life.  Not that life was passing me by, or that I was passing life by.  I was just ignoring life.  I was too caught up in what I thought needed to be done when I actually was accomplishing very little at all.  I resolved to take things a little slower.  Not to do less, but just find the rhythm again.

Have you ever been to a concert or a church service where the people start clapping but they can't clap on beat?  It feels awful.  It feels rushed and slow all at the same time; a terrible mish mash of all the worst things in music.  That's how my life has been the past few weeks.

Tonight, after work, I came home with a new frame of mind.  I went grocery shopping.  I cooked a good, slow meal.  I ate it and enjoyed it.  I did some laundry.  Then to top everything off I picked up my guitar, which hasn't been played, tuned, or otherwise handled for over a year, and re-strung it.  It took me several times to remember how to do it even, it had been so long.  I finally got it though.  I went through each string, tuning it, not too carefully, but just close enough.  Finally I strummed it.  Mmm.  I started to play a familiar and easy tune on it, "Almost heaven.  West Virginia..."  I got self conscious about the people downstairs.  Will they be anrgy that I'm playing?  It's only 8:30, but still.  I put down my guitar.  I stood to walk away, but I just couldn't.  Instead I got my guitar book out.  I flipped to a song that I haven't played in over a year, "Working all day for a mean little man..."  Oh, it felt so good.  So golden.  No one but me could have possibly known what song it was because of how bad I was playing, stopping between each chord to find the fingering, but it doesn't even matter.

After playing till my un-calloused fingers ache I realize it has happened.  I have found the rhythm.  I am finally home.  

I know I often write about the power of music on here.  I just cannot help myself.  I miss music.  I miss the idea that we can play music whenever we want, but choose not too out of embarrassment or the idea that you have to be really good to make it happen.  I, for one, don't want to live in a world that is as critical as that anymore.  "How lame, he's playing an accordion."  "This guy started to play the guitar, but all he could do was strum chords, it was dumb."  Naturally I don't want to listen to bad music, but what about good music played simply.  Yes please!  I want to live in a world where friends can get together and play music for each other no matter what instrument they play or how good or rudimentary their playing is!  Harmonicas, guitars, pianos, trumpets, oboes, I want to hear them all.

A bit rambling.  I'm sorry.  It has been a long time since I've posted and I can feel my mind trying to figure out this writing thing again.  Just think about what has been on my mind:  Rhythm, home, music by the people we know best in the places where we know our rhythm.

Please, say what you mean

I am getting more and more tired of people side stepping issues.  When did we become such a cowardly, unconfident society?  

Here's what I mean:  I stand in class delivering a lecture.  I ask a question.  Now, I'm not saying it's a simple question that everyone should know, but when no one in the class raises their hand I get annoyed.  I finally encourage them to be bold enough to say something, and the answer comes out like this:  "Um...maybe it's like when you kinda feel like there's a sorta desire to maybe, like, eliminate, a sorta, like, bad, like, feeling that is kinda building up, like, in side you, maybe..."

What's interesting about this is that the answer is totally in line with the question, meaning that the student was right!  Why do they, we, use so many qualifiers?  Kinda, sorta, like, maybe, etc.  I think it's because we are so scared of being wrong, and we are so convinced that we are going to be wrong.  Therefore we tack on as many qualifiers as possible, that way if we are wrong we can say, "Well, I said maybe, kinda-sorta!"  Magically, all in one sentence, we have covered ourself to accept glory if we are right and to deny blame if we are wrong.  It's the same idea as hanging on to the rear of a ship so that if it happens to sink you'll be the last one to go under.  Also known as cowardice.

My Mother's boss has her fill out a time sheet for the hours she works.  Normal.  However, she is told not to clock more than seven hours a day.  No overtime.  Also normal.  What is abnormal is that she is expected to work more than seven hours.  When she tells him the mathematical problem his response is to just fill it out as if she is only working seven hours.  This is also known as lying.  Why is a person, in a position of authority, asking their employee's to lie?  Money?  Even that would be a little understandable, but I think it's even worse than that.  I think he is just scared to deal with the superintendent, school board, or just the problem itself.  Furthermore, he is a deacon at a  local church.  Way to stand up for God and his people.

Along the same lines I read a comment on a post of The World as Best as I Remember It.  It stated that bosses tend to try and soften a criticism with a compliment.  "You did a great job, but it could be better."  What this comment was saying is that we should be bold enough to let our criticisms stand on their own as well as our compliments.  Why water things down so that everything we say becomes meaningless?  Be careful with your criticisms, don't throw them around without thinking about the implications, and be equally careful with compliments.  Don't deliver a compliment and negate it with a criticism or deliver a criticism and negate it with a compliment just because we don't want to build someone up too much or tear them down too hard.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If someone deserves a compliment, give it to them.  If someone needs to be critiqued, give that to them.  Do it graciously.  Accept compliments as well as criticism graciously.  Don't back down and don't be scared.

Now, I'm not arguing that we should be jerks and throw our opinions around as if we are always right and that our word is the end all be all.  I'm just saying to be confident.  Answer as if you know.  Lets start eliminating qualifiers such as like, kinda, maybe and sorta from our vocabulary.  Let's be brave enough to stand up for what's right, even if it means more work.  More importantly, let's start learning all we can so that when we answer a question we can answer with authority and know we are right.

In the book of Joshua we are commanded to be Brave and Very Courageous several times.  This is a small thing to do to be brave and courageous.  It may not change the world, but it will change your outlook on the world and that change can change the world.