Grading

Undoubtedly my least favorite part of teaching is grading. I can't exactly express why, but I despise it. I also assign a lot of homework. Stupid, I know, but there you have it. I don't hate myself, I just have that disgusting sense of duty or whatever. Students; teaching would be easier without them.

Seriously though, grading seems to permeate my life. Grading papers, grading projects, grading tests, grading designs, grading myself. I do grade myself very often. What kind of job am I doing? How do I treat people? What kind of person am I? Unfortunately for me, I often fail those exams. I tend to be very hard on myself because I think people see the worst in me and never the best, or even the mediocre. This aspect of my personality causes me more stress than anything else. It's not that I place a lot of importance on people's perceptions on me, but rather I so desire to do an outstanding job for others that it often comes up lacking. At least it does in my eyes.

Not so much a cry for help as a realization. I am growing to understand myself more and more. I don't know that that is a good thing, but there it is. I am growing discontent with my position in life. Things are becoming very monotonous. My Mondays are all the same. No difference, no variation. They all run together. I feel like, oddly enough, that is the danger of my profession. So easy to fall into a routine. While I am not opposed to routines in general, I love breaking them. However, the longer to do a routine, the harder it becomes to break it.

I've been at this new job for less than two months and, while it is wonderful in a lot of respects, I feel myself falling into a terrible routine. This is something else I grade myself on. Once again I am failing. I don't think it is this particular job, or this particular place that is causing the problem though. I simply think I'm ready for a big change. It's too bad that there is no chance of big change in the near future. I can see it happening for me in a couple of years, but for now I need to find a way to be content with where I'm at. I need to break my routine. Sometimes things seem out of controll though. I feel out of controll. My life is not my own. It's not God's either. It's been stolen. Who took it? Where'd they go with it?

Anyway, I know this is a bit rambling, but I keep thinking about the grading I need to do. Oh joy!

Ever just feel the need to write?  I usually keep a journal, have this blog and write letters to friends to quench my need to write.  However, for the last month and half I have been out of the country working at a summer program in Switzerland.  Due to time and several other factors I haven't gotten my dosage of writing that I like to get.  Therefore I am here, feeling the deep desire to write something but not knowing what to write about.  So, lucky readers (or reader, or maybe this is just for me) you get to have a dose of my mindless drivel.

Some thoughts on my mind at this moment include, heavily, the new job I will be staring in the fall.  I am really excited about the move that I am making.  It is definitely up the ladder and at a better location, but the need to prove myself, or at least to meet expectations, is weighty.  I have a lot of work I need to be doing and to catch up on and to begin and to figure out.  Ack.  Plus there is planning and decision making that needs to be done.  Yay!  Overall though I am just plain excited to see where the year takes me.  I'm pretty sure it will be epic and an emotionally and spiritually healthy change for me.

I have also resolved to get rid of facebook.  A friend of mine here in Switzerland said that if I did it he would.  I was on the fence about it then he said he was definitely doing it at the end of the session before he heads back.  It inspired me to stop just talking the talk and do it.  So it is good-bye facebook.  The reasons for this:  I am tired to shallow relationships that are harbored on facebook.  Sure it is nice to contact people that I perhaps wouldn't contact otherwise, but it is almost always just to say, "Hey, long time no see!" and that's it.  From now on it will be a deeper conversation because it will be over email.  Or maybe even a hand written letter, or a post card.  Who doesn't like to get a post card!  If there must be a quick message, send a postcard so the person also get a picture of something!  I am also getting rid of facebook because it is getting a little too big brother for me.  It saves everything, tracks everything and knows exactly what you search for.   Anyway, it's a big step and a big choice, but one I am feeling pretty good about.  About a week from discontinuing it I will start putting up status updates saying, "In one week I will delete my facebook page.  If you'd like to talk to me, please email me.  If you don't have my email address message me before Friday and I will send it to you."  Then after five days or so, it will be over.

This is something I have thought about doing for a long time.  I think it will be difficult to live in a facebook world without facebook, but I think, in the end, it will be for the best, for me.  I know facebook is good for some people, but I don't think it's good for me.  I need more than facebook can provide.  The next step after getting rid of facebook?  Maybe I'll get rid of my cell phone.  Then maybe I'll ditch my lap top.  Who knows, my life may become wonderfully simple.  That or it will become horribly boring.  We'll see.  It's an experiment.  A worthy experiment.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.  I am off to do some of that work I was talking about earlier.  Wish me luck!