The Journal

Two summers ago I started a journal.  I don't write in there often, but I do make a point to write in there at least twice a semester (beginning and end).  It's always amazing to me to read what I was thinking, what I was like, and what I was dreaming of a year ago.  Lately I've been really down.  Down on myself, down on my situation, down on myself for putting me in my situation.  The short end of it all was that I was upset about Ph.D. programs, I was feeling stupid compared to other graduate students, and angry with myself for feeling that way.  A couple of nights ago I decided that since the semester was over I needed to write in my journal, it was also a good opportunity to get some of those feelings of angst down on paper.  Before I started writing, I started reading.  Here are just a few clips from what I was like a year ago . . . almost exactly.

7 December 2007

I'm almost done with my first semester of grad school.  That blows my mind.  Today is Friday and next week are finals.  A lot of thoughts go through my mind when I think about the closing of a year, but mostly I stress about grades.  I had really hoped to make straight A's but that's not happening at all.  I am confident that I'll be getting one A and two B's, which is good but I'm scared it's not good enough.  Without being one of the very best I'll never get into a Ph.D. program.  That's a terrifying thought for me.  I feel like I've come too far already not to be able to achieve my end goal.  I will have to give it over to God, plain and simple.  

I got all A's that semester.  It's interesting to explore how my fears have changed.  Then I was just worried about grades to get into a Ph.D. program, but now there's so much more it feels like.  Or is there?  Perhaps my own advice is the best.  I'll just have to give it over to God, plain and simple.

13 December 2007

Today I had my last class of my first semester of grad school.  It has been a particularly good day.  I went to bed at about 2 a.m. and got up at 6 a.m. so I could type my book review.  The class period was enjoyable.  We discussed our successes and our growth and it was fun and encouraging.  It made me think of the Thoreau quote, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined."  That's me right now.  I'm living the life I have imagined.

Cary came over tonight and brought his game cube.  We talked comics and played smash brothers and drank coffee.  At the end of the night we had an encouraging conversation about God.  It was a splendid evening.

Tomorrow Candace and Emily graduate.  It seems very uncanny.  I'm looking forward to it in a strange way.  Should be interesting and fun.  

One semester of grad school down, three to go!

I wonder when I forgot that I was living the life I had imagined?  I can't tell you how much I wish I could remember the specifics of that conversation about God I had with Cary a year ago, though I do very much remember the evening and how splendid it really was.

Grad school has been a funny thing.  I get in a hurry with school.  I'm critical of myself about silly things and then get so worked up about them I feel as though others are critical about me in the same areas.  For example, one of my professors told me that taking some time off from school last time served me well.  From this I got in my head that they did not think I was good enough to get into a Ph.D. program and that taking time off was something only those who couldn't make it did.  Wow.

I'm glad I write in my journal, even if it is only once in a while.  It's so good to be reminded of a time when I was just as confused, but much more easy going and simple about it.  Rock on!