Things That We Believe In

As usual, I feel as though I am on the parapet of a major event of my life. The last several years have felt like this. To borrow an image from the current play I'm working on, I feel as though I am standing in a trench getting ready to go over the top with a very good chance of getting shot. Even if I do survive the emotional scars of seeing those around me fall will be with me forever. A bit melodramatic perhaps, still...

I have the opportunity to change jobs, again. I feel as though I'm choosing between my happiness and the happiness of others. If I am selfish I could be happy, if I am selfless I will be unhappy. If I stay I have better benefits and more prestige, if I leave I've got a completely different future (whose to say if it will be better?). If I stay I continue forcing myself though the day, but I don't hurt anyone. If I leave I will be in a different situation (colder perhaps?), but I hurt a great many people. That's not to mention I would be humbling myself a lot. But that may be a good thing. It's just not something I'm really wanting to do.

I know this has been a very unclear post. The reason is because I am very unclear. I have felt despondent before, I have felt desperate, I have felt helpless. However, I don't believe I have felt this much weight. In my head I know that I am not special, that everything will work out regardless of my decision, but in my heart I ache. Once I can get myself to commit to a decision, I think I will feel better. But that is a difficult thing to do.

Just one more layer on here. I feel as though, since I would be hurting people, I would need a good and understandable reason to leave. However, I don't necessarily have one. So what do I tell people? "I'm leaving because...", which they will in turn translate to, "I'm leaving because of you." Which is not true. Is this a test to see how selfish I am? Do I blow with the wind? Or am I more grounded? Which one is better?

Anyway, this is a terrible post, but I do feel better for having written it down. Any and all thoughts on my situation are welcome.